THREE THINGS, NOT TO SAY TO A WOMAN WHO HAS SUFFERED A MISCARRIAGE OR STILL BIRTH

* I know how you feel.

Because you do not! Even if you have been through your own loss, you do not know who another woman is suffering.

* You can always have another.

Maybe she cannot. Maybe like me, there is also a history of infertility. Maybe the loss has created internal damage. Or just maybe her heart is too heavy to try again.

* It was for the best.

Never ever, ever say this. Saying the mother, was too young, too old, too many other children, too broke, will not heal the hurt of losing her baby.

What you can do is ask her. Ask her what she needs. Never assume.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day takes place on October 15, 2015. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death, which includes but is not limited to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. 

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Frida Kahlo (Mexican, 1907–1954). El Aborto (Frida and the Miscarriage), 1932. Lithograph.


GOOD

weeks late                               growing hope                                     two pink lines

                              like winning lotto without buy a lotto ticket                                    

seven year anniversary                                                picking names                                  
   realising how amazing my partner is

BAD

extreme cramps                   blood loss                                    tests confirming fears

UGLY

sobbing on the floor unable to get up                                                 physical pain           emotional breakdown                       repetition of why                        irrational fear something will happen to my two children and grandbaby



Thank you Sonia for giving me the courage to press publish. Head over and read Sonia's amazing story of courage and strength at Life Love and Hiccups. 

LOSS

Frida Kahlo (Mexican, 1907-1954). Henry Ford Hospital, 1932. Oil on metal.

27 MONTHS

Growth & Appearance:

Not much has changed, in this area, this month. I think all of your effort has gone into other areas. Oh, you do have a new scar on/near your lip. Another one of your climbing adventures. I came home from work to find you covered in blood...

Eating:

You are still a gobble guts. But this month you have developed an addiction to "bena". Your Dad has always drunk ribena, and now you want it with him as well. I am aware of the extreme high levels of sugar in this drink, so we water it down and pack it full of ice.

I think you love cooking/baking with me, just so you can snack your whole way through the process.

Talking: 

So this was the month you opted to talk. Wow, so many new words we cannot keep up. Just this morning you clear as day, asked for a 'milk', a word you had not said before. You are talking in sentences. Not all is clear, yet you are trying so hard to make yourself understood.

Along with talking, you just cannot seem to help yourself breaking into song. You will sing all day. Often putting on 'performances' for anyone who will watch you.

Sleeping: 

You, have only had one nap, a day, for the last month. Most days it works well, some days I can see how tired you are, come bedtime. You sleep during the day in your bed (no nappy) and at night next to us (with a nappy).

Development:

Up until two weeks ago, I was still putting you in a nappy for big trips out, and long car rides. Two weeks ago, we went to Movieworld, and you decided that day you would no longer wear a nappy. Two weeks, and no accidents. I am so proud of you. Kid you were the easiest thing ever to toilet train. I am only putting a nappy on you now for your night sleep.

Favourites: 

"Hide" with Daddy, is one of your favourites this month. You are not very good at hiding and will not do it alone. You like to hide under the sheets, insisting Justin lay next to you. I have to stomp around the house, yelling "where is Jarvis", which will set you off into fits of giggles.

You also love drawing chalk onto the pavers. So you will often walk around with a little multi coloured butt. So cute.

Water, water, and more water. You love swimming lessons with your Daddy. Hosing the garden with me. Plus, bath and shower time. You would stay in until wrinkly and there was no hot water left, if I let you.

How I am thinking/Feeling:

My baby, has gone. In his place is this strong, determined child. You are the reason I want another child. Not only are you a delight, I would love to give you a sibling to play with. You adore Tamika, but the age difference is too great. Watching you cart your Bunny and Bear around, calling them "baby" and feeding them and sitting at the table with them having morning tea. Oh, Jarvis how this makes me wish with all my heart I could have another child. I feel great sadness and emptiness that this cannot happen. It also makes me want to hang onto you with all my might as I know how quickly you are growing up. 

LOOKING AT THE POSITIVE

It was a week of hospital visits (yes more than one). Doctors visits (with not so good test results for myself and someone very close to me). A week of a sick toddler, who then gave it to his Dad and I (love how gastro attacks everyone in the family, even Tira vomited). A week of a broken computer. A week basically filled with injury, illness and stress.

I was having a woe is me kind of day yesterday, but then a few things made me stop and think of how lucky I actually am, and instead of looking at the negative in each situation to find a positive. So here I am being honest and turning my negative into a positive.

I may be really broke, but I get to stay at home with Jarvis every day, something I did not get with Tamika. I may have a broken, on its way out, computer, but I have a clever partner who googled how to fix it and this old thing is now working again.

It is only gastro, and each time Jarvis farts/sharts he laughs, yes what a boy I have who already finds farting funny.

The doctors’ results are harder to turn into the positive, my good friend has been trying for ages to fall pregnant, and I finally convinced her to see the fertility specialist I saw. Her results have come back good for her age, but her partner has being diagnosed as infertile. My heart goes out to her, I know how hard it is to want a baby and not be able to have one, or in my case another one (or six). Yes call me crazy, but it fiancés and my body would let me I would have a dozen babies. Yes this scares Justin.

I got my results back; two were okay, one not so good. But a little more cutting and it should be all good. A pertinent reminder to cover up and slip slop slap.

I have already spoken about Jarvis’s fist ambulance and hospital visit, however on Monday we had a second visit to emergency. Justin, Jarvis, and I were playing in the park and Jarvis tripped over busting not only his knee, but his nose open again. But it is okay, Jarvis now thinks emergency ward is a place to play with other kids.

So, yes I have had a crappy stressful week, but sometimes you need these to think of how good your life normally is and to make a point of looking for the good. The first image is of a rose I found in our garden, I did not even know we had a rose bush until I tackled the over-grown side of the house that I always avoid. But I cleaned it up and look what I found!

 Must remember to clean this section of the garden more often.

 How pretty are passion fruit flowers?

 I have passion fruit! Does anyone know when they are ready for picking?