Aging was never something that concerned me. I always thought I had
plenty of time to achieve everything I wanted in life. Numbers? Who cares what
number you are. For a whole year I thought I was older than I was.
Frida Kahlo (Mexican, 1907-1954). Henry
Ford Hospital
In my twenties I always thought I would have a dozen children, live on a
property and grow vegetables and have chooks. However, I became a single mother at
24, so my goals moved. They were to educate myself and to travel. Plus, I always
want prioritise my relationship with Tamika.
I turned thirty, and was happy I had achieved all that I had. I adored
Tamika, we were broke as, but she never wanted much. I thought the only thing I wish I could give her was a sibling. Her
father gave her three, but that is another story.
I met Justin, and all clichés aside it was pretty much love at first
sight. I fought it for ages because of the age difference. But as soon as I got
over being fourteen years older, I allowed myself to be happy and in love. For
me there was only one other thing needed. Okay, well more than one, I wanted
babies with Justin.
Fast track this story, passing years of trying, surgeries, fertility
issues, fertility treatments, miscarriages, and a whole lot of heart ache.
Charcoal, pencil and tea on paper
I fell pregnant, and into our world came Jarvis. I did not think it was possible
to love another child as much as I love Tamika, oh but I do.
Photo taken by Justin
So you think I would be happy. One girl, one boy, two amazingly
beautiful children. But why is it I cry my heart out each month when my period
comes? My head tells me not to be greedy, to appreciate what I have, but my
heart cries for another baby. I know time has run out. To fall pregnant when I
was younger was hard enough, but now I am almost 45, I know it will not happen.
One of my ten things to do before my 45th birthday was to
stop crying each month when my period comes. But as of yet I have not achieved
it, if anything, each month closer to my birthday my heartache gets worse.
Depression and tears slap me about.
Crayons on paper
I wish I was close enough to take you out for tea and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI feel like each time one of us reveals more about themselves the more we have in common(in this case I also thought I was older for an entire year and took a long time to be ok with being the older woman).
Lots and lots of love to you wish that there was something I could do about this for you. xx
I was so sure I was 43. For a whole year I thought I was. Then I had my birthday, which I thought I was turning 44, but I got corrected by a random person. Even my family thought I was already 43. I had to to the maths from the year I was born. Opps I was wrong. Way to feel like an idiot.
DeleteIn this society it is hard being the older woman. amplify that when your partner is Asian and looks super young. Justin got carded at a pub when I was pregnant with Jarvis and cause he had no ID on him the wouldn't let him but a drink. I had to go to the bar 8 months prego and ask for a scotch on the rocks.
Unfortunately Australia is sexist and racist, I have learnt this being with Justin
Yes it shines a really harsh light on that behaviour, sadly.
DeleteIt is also different when one of your children is a halfie... racist comments from both sides.
Deleteive always dreamt of many kids too...fertility issues changed those dreams dramatically ( as well as being a lesbian - you get the picture ). at 43 I struggle all the time with wanting more kids . its an ache and a torment. I have two and know I should be happy with "my lot"...and I AM so blissfully happy....just a little incomplete. Al x
ReplyDeleteAl, it is hard, I know i should be happy with my two. But, the but it huge I just can't stop wanting more. Each month it is a fight between my head and my heart.
DeleteOh hun. My heart ached reading this post. Whilst I am in a very different place than you, I do understand the ache for a child. x
ReplyDeleteI have always ached for children. Just now my time has run out.
DeleteOh honey. Big love and big hugs. I don't know how to say what I want to say, so I am just going to ramble with love and best intention. This post pricked at emotions for me, I'm about to turn 35, and the vision I had prior to my first pregnancy was a total contrast to where we are now. We saw one child and the two of us. Then as you know from reading my blog that vision took a different shape falling pregnant with twin girls. Then life got shattered, broken, shaken upside down into a thousand pieces losing our girls. We've been fortunate through all this and beyond to have our two earthbound children, but not without more losses and problems. Even now as I sit here and type pregnant and due in August, I don't take what I have for granted.......life can change in a moment, an absolute instant. The thing I'm getting at, I think is that especially when you've been through challenges conceiving and had losses, the longing and aching for more children or just one more NEVER goes away. The only thing that changes is us and our resolve to let that feeling go and free us. We all need to be in the right spaces to do that and for some that time may never come. But for now you allow you mind, body and heart to feel and do whatever it is, it needs to do. Don't beat yourself up that each month results in tears, just let feelings work through you like waves of the ocean with their ebbs and flows, don't fight it.
ReplyDeleteI send you great love and cuddles. I know it's not easy. I just want you know you are not alone. X
Thank you for your words. I know my pain is nothing compared to some women's, that I am lucky to have two amazing healthy children. I have questioned is my need for more children amplified by my losses and that it has been my way of thinking of the last five years? Even if that is the case it does not dull the pain. This is why I wrote this post, to try to learn to deal with the desire and hurt.
Deleteoh lordy lord this is me! I too am nearly 45...will be in November and i am desperate! I am the woman who brought a sweet grabber machine off eBay because it reminded me of my womb.....i need say no more! I too cry every month...my sister (who has just 1 kid and is older) thinks I'm insane! I said...it's like flushing potential personalities down the toilet...seriously she doesn't get it and i think WHY DON'T YOU GET IT? hubby was done at 2 kids, 3 is a blessing...4 would be spectacular! Busby should have been a twin..i lost his twin and also very nearly lost my boo as well, and this after 2 miscarriages, ( a hard time!)....we were so nearly a family of 6! xxx
ReplyDelete45 in September. I wanted a bakers dozen. But now all I want is three. I see Jarvis and my desire to give him a sibling to play with is so strong. I have kept all of his baby things. Just in case. Each month I hope.
DeleteFirst of all I'll throw this out there, you never know. You may just be pregnant one of these days. :) Secondly, have you and Justin thought about adopting? being wonderful parents to children who don't have any? You guys seem like great, loving people.
ReplyDeleteI've been on the fence about having more children. If I were to marry, perhaps I'd want one with that person, but if that doesn't happen, I'm more than content being a single mom to just the one. Pregnancy was hard on me, physically and emotionally- not sure I want to do it again :)
I really do understand, having been through years and years of infertility, I understand the heartache and pain each month. It doesn't make it necessarily easier I know, but you are definitely not alone. Hugs xx
ReplyDeleteI feel/think some times it is hard. All the other women in my family are super fertile. Big sis feel pregnant twice on the pill. Mother planed which month she would conceive, and so on. But me... It is in some circles an unspoken story. Infertility equals being less of a woman.
DeleteHi, Iliska- I do understand. I took my fertility for granted when I was younger, put my career first, got married to the wrong man and had a beautiful daughter. But after miscarriages and failed IVFs, I also feel that everyone else is luckier in life. Regrets, I have many. Bitterness too. It's hard. Hugs to us ladies in our 40's eh?
ReplyDeleteIt is funny how for some we spend our lives trying NOT to get pregnant, but then when we want to we cannot and end up at war with our own body
Delete