Tuesday, 30 July 2013

BREASTFEEDING JARVIS

My breastfeeding journey has come to an end. Neither Jarvis nor I are happy about it. I remember on one hospital visit the mid-wife asked if I was going to breastfeed. I answered I would if I could. She then proceeded to give me an hour long lecture on the benefits of breastfeeding. I ended up cutting her off her tirade. (We asked for a new mid-wife soon after this visit, for this and many other reasons.)

Jarvis one day old

Even though I was stoned from the cesarean, I still knew how important it was to latch Jarvis on as quickly as I could. What an excellent feeder he turned out to be! What the mid-wife did not understand, I always wanted to feed Jarvis, as I did with Tamika, but I understand not all of the time do we get what we want.

Being a stay at home Mum afforded me the luxury of demand feeding Jarvis. Which I did until he was about 14 to 15 months old. I stopped the day feeds as my weight was dropping off way too much. But I kept up the sleep feeds. Both of us loved it. Jarvis would snuggle in my arms and look at me with such contentment when feeding, I knew I was doing the right thing by continuing the feeding.

However, last week on advice from my doctor I need to take a different medication, one in which I cannot breastfeed. So, as of Thursday night last week, I stopped feeding. It has been torture for us both. Jarvis will scream for over an hour, tearing at my chest trying to get a feed. He screams and arches his back; I am scared I will drop him. This from a child who rarely cries and has never thrown a tantrum. It goes on and on until he falls asleep, and it is not a good sleep he whimpers and if I even attempt to put him down, he wakes and starts the crying all over again.

So each morning and afternoon, I sit and hold my child for at least three hours. Yes that is over six hours a day. He is so unhappy it hurts my heart. At night I have to go to bed with him, and he will lay there holding my hair in his sleep as if I am going to leave him. During the wake time he has been a little bit clingy, not only to me but to Justin and Tamika as well.

Logically I know I need to take this medication, and that breastfeeding has to end at some point. But Tamika self weaned at around 22 months and it was easy for both of us. Jarvis and I are not finding this easy. Plus there is the added pain of having concrete boobs that are leaking. So much for those people who said I would not have enough milk at my age! And of course when Jarvis is crying and throwing himself about, he head butts my chest and milk goes everywhere, which makes him all the more upset.

I know this will stop, but right now it is not easy.
 
Jarvis a couple of hours old. Latched on easily.



21 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're both going through this. It's upsetting enough if they self wean but to have no choice must be devastating.
    I hope Jarvis accepts the change soon.

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    1. Because it was so easy with Tamika, I kinda thought///hoped it would be the same with Jarvis. He just seems so heart broken with me. I guess too there is my guilt seeping in

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  2. Oh sending my love, it must be heart-breaking for you both
    xxx

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    1. Thanks Sue, it has been a hard week

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  3. I cannot get over that photo of one day old Jarvis...such a gorgeous baby.
    The decision to stop breastfeeding was also not my own...it was heartbreaking then and it still pains me a bit when I think about it.
    I hope that the weaning begins to get a bit easier...I am sure that Jarvis knows that you are never going to leave him.

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    1. I think it is harder when the decision to wean is not your own. He was such a tiny thing, (part of the reason I choose to include the breastfeeding image was to show how tiny he was) but such an old soul. Just would look at me like he had a question to ask

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    2. oh and as far as leaving him the only time we have been separated so far is one 24 hour period when I was in hospital and had radium. For one hour in Fiji when I had a massage, one half hour hair cut, and for the half hour bike ride. So very very little separation has happened.

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  4. Oh that photo of tiny Jarvis latching on is so precious. So small. I had c-sections with both of mine. With Matilda it was the rushed emergency kind and I was so groggy from the various drugs and exhaustion but I remember so vividly how she was passed to me once I was out of theatre and she chomped on like a champ. The relief!

    So sad to hear of your difficult time. My heart goes out to you, truly. I recently stopped feeding George also. It sounds like you're giving the love and reassurance he needs at this hard time for you both. I hope it gets easier soon.

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    1. Mine was a c section after being in labour for 36 hours. Jarvis just didn't want to come out.
      How did you go with George? Any hints?

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  5. I never breastfed Dominic, but I'm wishing I had. It was too painful and instead of giving it time, I just gave up. In my own defense I was in a very bad state. With my hormones all over the place, and had been left by his dad the day before he was born. But he's getting closer and closer to 3, and has grown just fine.

    I hope things start getting better. Children adapt pretty quickly. Dominic sucked on a Binkie and started biting through them, so I had to stop it cold turkey. He was NOT happy for a few days.

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    1. It has been over a week, and for the first time today he fell asleep without crying/tantrums. However, he is in my arms clinging on to me. I still cannot put him down when he sleeps.

      Breastfeeding is a personal choice for the mother. It annoys me if any mother is made to feel bad for her choice. Whether or not your breastfed Dom is up to you. But, hey, who knows, you may breastfeed your next baby?

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  6. I hope the weaning process gets better for you both soon :( Breastfeeding was such a special time for my girls and I and I was so sad when we stopped x

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    1. I think I am struggling because I HAD to give up, not because I wanted to. Jarvis is still not happy about it.

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  7. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I could feel your heartache as I read your words. It's always hard when the decision is not your own. I really hope you get through this difficult patch soon x

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    1. Logic tells me I need to take this medication to be healthy, and that Jarvis needs a healthy Mumma. Emotionally I hate the decision was not Jarvis's or mine.

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  8. Oh you made me cry ! I can feel you grief, and poor Jarvis ! Sometimes we have to make the crappy choices, and they just suck. I hope this eases soon for you both. I am sure you will find new ways to satisfy that special bonding time with your gorgeous boy xxx

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    1. Not taking anything away from Dads, but Mums often have to make so many hard choices.

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  9. oh :( hang in there, you can get through this - both of you. it must be so hard that the decision to stop feeding was made for you.. when neither of you were prepared. I hope things turn around very soon x

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    1. It would have been nice if the decision was either mine or Jarvis's and not the doctors. But on the positive side I did get to breastfeed for over nineteen months!

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  10. I'm feeling you, my dearest. I hope things have improved immensely for you both. x

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    1. He has entered a new phase of scratching, ripping, grabbing at my breasts....all day. So not good. But he has stopped screaming for an hour before going to sleep each time

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