My breastfeeding journey has come to an end. Neither Jarvis nor I are happy about it. I remember on one hospital visit the mid-wife asked if I was going to breastfeed. I answered I would if I could. She then proceeded to give me an hour long lecture on the benefits of breastfeeding. I ended up cutting her off her tirade. (We asked for a new mid-wife soon after this visit, for this and many other reasons.)
Jarvis one day old
Even though I was stoned from the cesarean, I still knew how important it was to latch Jarvis on as quickly as I could. What an excellent feeder he turned out to be! What the mid-wife did not understand, I always wanted to feed Jarvis, as I did with Tamika, but I understand not all of the time do we get what we want.
Being a stay at home Mum afforded me the luxury of demand feeding Jarvis. Which I did until he was about 14 to 15 months old. I stopped the day feeds as my weight was dropping off way too much. But I kept up the sleep feeds. Both of us loved it. Jarvis would snuggle in my arms and look at me with such contentment when feeding, I knew I was doing the right thing by continuing the feeding.
However, last week on advice from my doctor I need to take a different medication, one in which I cannot breastfeed. So, as of Thursday night last week, I stopped feeding. It has been torture for us both. Jarvis will scream for over an hour, tearing at my chest trying to get a feed. He screams and arches his back; I am scared I will drop him. This from a child who rarely cries and has never thrown a tantrum. It goes on and on until he falls asleep, and it is not a good sleep he whimpers and if I even attempt to put him down, he wakes and starts the crying all over again.
So each morning and afternoon, I sit and hold my child for at least three hours. Yes that is over six hours a day. He is so unhappy it hurts my heart. At night I have to go to bed with him, and he will lay there holding my hair in his sleep as if I am going to leave him. During the wake time he has been a little bit clingy, not only to me but to Justin and Tamika as well.
Logically I know I need to take this medication, and that breastfeeding has to end at some point. But Tamika self weaned at around 22 months and it was easy for both of us. Jarvis and I are not finding this easy. Plus there is the added pain of having concrete boobs that are leaking. So much for those people who said I would not have enough milk at my age! And of course when Jarvis is crying and throwing himself about, he head butts my chest and milk goes everywhere, which makes him all the more upset.
I know this will stop, but right now it is not easy.